going to post here again

Idea of tomorrow has shifted from imaginary concept of occupied time to-be to an almost tangible expectation of reality, not of the content of that reality, but that the reality will in fact exist, in a finite amount of time. 

i dont want to do my show tonight

i just want to lay in bed

i am really sad right now

blogger has the option to "revert to draft" on a post
wish i could "revert to draft"

what if i am a draft and havent been updated and saved yet

what

i can count the number of times i've thrown up on one hand
andy green broke the land speed record twice
the most recent time was in 1997
he went faster than the speed of sound
and was the first person to do that

so much of my life is going wrong right now

i cannot get over this sandwich i made today

last night on the roof with james
he promised to quick smoking if i promised to 'go' vegan by the end of the month
hm

okay tips to make a really good sandwich
i call this
"long but fun night last night but i gotta do shit today also whatever i have in my fridge sandwich"
go buy "meat for fajitas" at the a&m rosenthal meat center
(that stuff is juicy and tender and GOOD AS HECK)
then get two eggs
some whole milk
pepper
sriracha
white bread
use a george foreman grill to make a few slices of the meat, whatever will fill the area of your slices of bread
make two eggs with milk and pepper
combine with a moderate amount of sriracha
enjoy the heck out of the thing

it is neat to think about the things my friends and i are doing
we are all so varied in what we are now up to in life

i have a candle and incense on the windowsill

next to my bed

i do not have a proper incense burner

so i melted wax into the bottom of an old tin can

and i stick the bottom of the incense in there

and the ash collects in the bottom

when i was melting the wax some got onto my hand

at first i had the immediate reaction of pain

but then realized it was not severe,

not prolonged,

like some pain is

and it was pleasurable in a way

and i poured more wax onto my hand

I walked from my living room to my kitchen, cleaned a glass and drank water. A worm outside was shriveling, a cockroach crawled across the outside of the kitchen window. I stepped outside to check the mail, my bare feet burned on the pavement. Such an inhospitable place for my evolved form, as if the Earth became a new planet, became a new Venus and the only life forms capable of surviving this new suffocating environment were those that could survive the imminent nuclear war, as if this were the aftermath, except with air conditioning and cold water inside our bomb-shelter-spacecrafts. As if, even in our near constant state of consciousness and awareness, Society managed to destroy and vaporize itself and we did nothing about it. Like the bombs became the white noise of a fan in the background until we phased them out and forgot and assumed our shelters were the same as our homes of the past. No, the imminent nuclear war was not imminent, not an as if, it had already happened. There was no air conditioning or cool water, just the illusions the mind can create. In the heat my brain melted into a hot sludge, paved the road, the other humanoids looked from the shelters, only saw a cool guy checking his cool mail.

staying in bed depressed is something to do
same with feeling as if you want to quit

my friend messaged me about sex and how we will think of "did i live life to the fullest" in the future
i feel like i was mean in a way in my response

i think about quitting writing now a lot
because its hard and i don't feel like i have anything to write

ugh
i just want to lay here

i should work on classwork
or study

i ate pizza today, haha pizza
i ate like eight slices and feel like shit about it

i wish i was skinny
i wish i had the dedication to exercise or eat right

a big part of my problems is that i'm not organized
or dedicated

I broke down crying in my car today

i got a record player from a friend
and then got some records from the radio station i work at
and now i'm listening to old blues real nice

thinking a lot about biographies
it would be cool to have one
what about like
a blog biography
blography

theres that thing after waking up from a nap
like
ah im still tired but literally nothing is gonna fix that
man

my throat is killin me
same with my ear
i dont think this is "just drainage" as the doctor said
can't get "second opinion" becasue i only can go to student health services
maybe i'll make another appointment for monday

i ate wendy's again and drank a soda
spicy chicken sandwich isn't so mcuh spicy as is
"eat this then 5 mins later your throat will hurt a lil bit"

also the coke tastes really sweet
brb gonna check the mail

first two posts have contained references to poop

so has this one

three poop posts

#pooppost

sore throat past few days
doc says its from drainage from allergies
coughed up gross brown snot in shower today
it was gross
while taking a poo i thought about
when i swallow mucus from my nose in my sleep
then it goes through my digestive system
and then i poop it out
pooping snot
and then i realized in indiscrete body things are
like i can label "poop" "pee" "sneeze" "snot" "eye junk" "ear wax"
but its really just all these body secretions that can kind of over lap
idk i'm not a doctor
someone tell me i'm wrong

starting this as... weird i guess daily cathartic brain poop thing
something i would do when i had twitter
still have twitter but i deleted my main account
now i have 25ish followers and it makes me uncomfortable
would rather have none
which is why i started this
because no one will read it probably